Clapham Rovers A

Match Report

Match Report - 23 Oct 2016, Clapham Rovers A Clapham Rovers beat Brixton Town


Rivers!
There’s only 1 thing I want this Sunday and that’s Ruwengay, Revenge, Vengeance. Not a Braveheart esque charge of the Light Brigade but a performance of composed football where we stroke the ball around at will.
We got absolutely pumped by Streatham Stanley earlier the season in a Cup tie where we fielded an unfamiliar and depleted line up. Let’s turn the tables on them and catch them cold with a performance that we know we can put in.
The match is on 3G here;
3G Aspire Centre
Merton Road
Southfields
SW18 5JU
The only footwear you cannot wear is metal studs.
https://www.google.co.uk/maps/place/Merton+Rd,+London+SW18+5JU/@51.4448995,-0.2154802,14z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x48760f5b14336f7b:0x6b352de61f2b7959!8m2!3d51.4450159!4d-0.1976821
KIN’ELL, KEN KEEPS THEM OUT
Surprise as Ken returns to help Rovers keep clean sheet
I never thought I’d find myself describing a 9-0 win as disappointing. However as we put a depleted Brixton to the sword for around the 300th time this season there was little joy to be had in an extremely one sided affair that had little enjoyment other than it ended in the knowledge of a 3 points which took as up to second in the table, a clean sheet and a healthy addition to our goal difference and several players fantasy league points totals.

Talk pre match had been about how we had expected Brixton to have been somewhat disheartened by the previous weeks defeat and how they weren't expected to have had the stomach for the fight for the third week in a row following two convincing defeats. This indeed proved to be the case as a Brixton side turned up to Taunton Avenue missing their two most dangerous players from the previous week, as well as having no recognised goalkeeper.

Normally in instances where you don't have a goalkeeper you would look to give someone the job who would have some sort of proficiency in one of the following areas. a] Kicking; b] catching. Unfortunately Brixton chose a player who was proficient in neither a] Kicking, or b] catching. This being said I still didn't manage to score any of our goals but then at least the accusation of being a flat track bully cannot be labelled at me unlike some of our other strikers, like Smudger, who will remain nameless.

Yet again the Rovers had an extremely strong side to choose from. Gaffer Ken returned and talk of a Bunman coup was unfounded, probably because most Rovers involved at the time were still disgusted at themselves and their behaviour following the Booker captaincy coup of 2014. As well as Ken there was a return to the starting line up for Dan Wellman, Matt Tait, Bunman, and also the Horse on his 1025th return from injury since his debut in 1983.

We were also graced with spectators for a change. Gaz took a break from shagging to grace us with his presence. Molby, at a loose end on a weekend due to the Putney Bridge travelodge undergoing renovation came down to exude positivity from the sidelines and Smudger’s missus made an appearance which reduced the chances of getting a pass from Smudge from an optimistic 0.1% to roughly 0%. 

Absentees
Steve Walker - Talks with Notts* Forest 
Sheva - Presumably putting the finishing touches to the Rovers tour video!!?
J5B - On a lads holiday with Lord Lucan and Elvis
Godders - Operation (ingrown toenail) 
Moley - Searching for the perfect flatmate and has been since Pybus deserted him
Carswell - PR work the Norfolk Tourist Board

We were also missing Shaun whose partner Rachel gave birth to a baby girl earlier in the weekend. Congratulations to both from all the Rovers. No name yet but Patricia is surely favourite.

Of course the best thing about this was that it meant I could play up front.

The team to start the game in the Rovers favoured 4-2-3-1 formation was Pybus in goal back four of Ken, Dan, Horse and Charlie. Two holding in Nath and Matt Wright; Tait wide left, Smuddypants wide right with Bunman in the 10 role and myself up top. The bench consisted of Tom, Ibra and Rich.

The game itself, which we dominated from start to finish, ended 9-0 and could easily have been several more. It’s difficult to describe a match like this because a] it was largely a non contest and somewhat boring, and b] I was slightly hungover and cant actually remember.

In any event I will make some attempt at describing the goals and main points of the game as I remember them;

1-0 Smudge headed home an excellent Tait cross from the left.

2-0 Another Tait pass and a stopover from myself (x1) saw Smudge toe bop in from the edge of the box with the aid of a deflection. The keeper did superbly here by managing to dive for the ball and ending up further away from it then when he started.

3-0 Bunman from a left sided position played a ball across the area. I did a step over (x2) and Nath drilled home first time from the edge of the area.

Other items of note from the first half were an incorrectly disallowed goal for offside from myself following a rebound from a Charlie cross shot; the keeper making his only meaningful save with his Bonce from Bunman’s close range shot, and Horse missing a header from 1 yard. Ken also touched the ball twice and had a 0% pass completion.

Half Time 3-0

The second half started and it took us a little while to get going again as the game was effectively finished and the impetus had gone from our play somewhat. We did of course have an excellent bench to freshen things up and thats exactly what happened with all three subs contributing significantly to the remainder of the second half which the referee finished 10 mins early at the request of the opposing captain, something which will no doubt come back to haunt us when we lose the league on goal difference at the end of the season.

4-0 I cushioned a header into the path of Rich who scored with virtually his first touch with a right foot half volley.

5-0 Ibra met a cross from myself from the right with an excellent stooping header to a ball that was slightly behind him.

6-0 Smudge slotted home easily after I played him in with a square ball from the left wing following ridiculously hesitant play by the Brixton centre backs.

7-0 Smudge showed excellent pace to cut in from the left and slot home following a pass from Ibra in midfield.

8-0 Rich tapped home after my shot had been blocked on the line.

9-0 Ibra smashed home with the outside of his right boot. I cant remember anything about this other than I believe it was a Smudger assist, so presumably he miscontrolled it rather than passed.

Other things to note from the second half was that Brixton put their second worst goalkeeper in goal and looked a seriously demoralised outfit as the game progressed towards its premature conclusion.

As they say in football though, you can only beat what’s put in front of you (particularly if you’re Stan Collymore) 

Not sure who we play next week, but if it’s Brixton again I’ll begin to think we’ve joined the Sunday league equivalent of the SPL, only a slightly higher quality. See you then.

UTFR
POS
 
P
W
D
L
F
A
GD
PTS
1
Sporting Continental
3
2
1
0
10
6
4
7
2
Clapham Rovers
4
2
0
2
16
5
11
6
3
Inter Yamam
4
1
3
0
9
7
2
6
4
AFC Balham
3
2
0
1
6
7
-1
6
5
Streatham Stanley
3
1
1
1
4
4
0
4
6
Bath Old Boys United
3
1
0
2
4
6
-2
3
7
Brixton Town
4
0
1
3
2
16
-14
1
8
AFC Morden
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0

Read more at http://full-time.thefa.com/ProcessPublicSelect.do?psSelectedSeason=408332512&psSelectedDivision=181630383&Submit.x=10&Submit.y=10&Submit=Submit&psSelectedCompetition=0&psSelectedLeague=3545957#DdxLWAQOf6Fo2lzg.99

* Purposefully spelt this way to annoy Matt Wright

ROVERS FANTASY FOOTBALL
Please see the attachment.

FANTASY FISCAL ROVERS
Surname
First Name
AGGREGATE OWING
Godwin
Chris
45
Keenan
Graeme
20
Smith
Chris
10
Sampson
Les
10
Yousefian
Anthony
10
Hamilton
Archie
5
McKee
Shaun
5
Poole
Tom
5
Smith
James
5
Booker
Nathan
5
Miller
Stuart
-2
Cook
Charlie
-6.44
Storey
Rich
-7.49
Mole
Ian
-28




Clapham Rovers A Clapham Rovers 9 - 0 Brixton Town ()

Name Goals Details
1 Nathan Booker   1
2 Andy Carswell  
3 Ryan Cerenko  
4 Charlie Cook  
5 Tom Elliott  
6 Dan Harley  
7 Graeme Keenan  
8 Des Walker  
9 Chris Kew  
10 James Mark  
11 Shaun McKee  
12 Stuart Miller  
13 David Murphy  
14 Danny Pybus  
15 Archie Hamilton  
16 Leslie Sampson  
17 James Smith   4
18 Richard Storey   2
19 Matt Warren  
20 Dan Wellman  
21 Gori Yahaya  
22 Matt Wright  
23 Anthony Yousefian  
24 Ian Mole  
25 Massimo Vitale  
26 Nick Nicou  
27 Kunal Patel  
28 Ibrahim Mossad Hanafy El-Sayed Mohamed   2
29 Jack Morris  
30 Tom Poole  
31 Ali Smith  
32 Simon Anderson  
33 Chris Smith  
34 Matt Tait  
35 Nick Woodward  
36 Gaz Lloyd  
37 Nathan Hands  
38 A.N. Other  
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56 A.N. Other