Match Report - 09 Mar 2014, Clapham Rovers Clapham Rovers beat Accrington Stanley Bowles
Clapham Rovers ‘A’ 5 – 2 Accrington Stanley Bowles
This game had everything. Goals, X-rated challenges, yellow cards, red cards, incompetent referees and a post-match picnic befitting the most middle classed team in South London.
It was clear from the off that the referee was going to be pedantic, treating this mid-table encounter in the South London Sportsman’s Division 1 Sunday league (crowd attendance of 0) like a World Cup Final, as he made sure that everything was prepared to the 9th degree. 37 individual and team briefings later we kicked off in glorious spring sunshine – although a little sloppily.
A good early chance went begging as Smudger, 6lbs lighter from his War Horse rehearsals, went past two, putting on the after burners to move away the second slowest left back in the league only to tamely shoot right at the keeper. The slowest need you ask? Chris Ken, who we can only imagine after two and half weeks of all you can eat American Diner cuisine is now resembling Chunk from the Goonies.
We went behind after our defence consisting of exactly four 34 year olds (Winterburn, Dixon, Keown & Bould) made heavy weather of clearing a ball and an ASB forward scooped the ball over Danny from outside the box. Shortly afterwards I picked up a caution for a clumsy looking challenge on the right touchline and escaped further punishment after what may have been interpreted as a dive in the penalty box moments later.
The response following this was better and Smudger put us back on terms following one of his trademark jinking runs, eventually drilling the ball in the bottom corner from 8 yards out after it looked like the chance had gone.
Many times in the first half we got round their full backs only for narrow shots to be favoured over cut backs to midfield runners. And we were fortunate to still be level at half-time as some more loose defending 40mins in allowed an ASB striker to find space in the box and if not for a splendid block from Uncle Joyce gone in at the break a goal behind.
With the hill in our favour we started the second half like the weather – brightly. Picking up the ball in the penalty area where Smudger left off, I skirted past a defender or two and cut back for Molby to tap into a gaping open goal. Unable to adjust his penguin feet the ball squirted through to Godwin who steadied himself before cooly slotting into the bottom corner. The team celebrated, as Molby lonely trudged back to towards goal.
We then rang the changes, bringing Charlie on for Jimmy, who contrived to get sent off despite already leaving the field for ‘foul and abusive language’. We’ll never know exactly what was said, but I’m sure Godwin will be doing his best re-enactment at the end of season do. Banished to the changing rooms Jimmy defied authority by casually laying next to the corner flag like a Cheshire cat in the sun.
We scored our third after Charlie who played a great cameo on the left flank, drifted off his wing and finding himself now on the right flank put an inviting ball into the box. Dan showing a great strikers instinct got ahead of his marker to tap the ball home. The goal run continues, but his 3rd brace in 3 games wasn’t to be - as he fluffed a chance later on from only two yards out after another tasty ball in from Charlie.
The fourth was a lovely goal from Molby, going it alone as only he knows how, shaping to shoot dropping the shoulder and drilling the ball using his right (penguin) flapper into the bottom corner.
They managed a consolation goal through a deep cross that found its way into the top corner, but Smudger hit immediately back after another run ended with a ball slapped into the roof of the net.
All was left was for the Shire Horse to fly into a reckless challenge after a David Luiz escapade up top where he almost broke their poor striker in two. This resulted in our 3rd card of the afternoon and took our fines for the day up to £64 – which is about the going rate to get Wayne Rooney to ring for a 30 second sub appearance.
He made up for this naughty challenge by rather than buying a round of jager bombs at Gigalum - running to the shops for a post-match picnic consisting of salmon salad, chicken & chorizo baguette and vienetta dessert in pleasant Thames bank surroundings. Oh how we’ve changed.
My M.O.M = Smudger – two goals, too good for his opposite number. Ripped the left back a new @rse hole
Jim’s M.O.M = Nathan – won the midfield battle, laying the platform for a dominant attacking performance
Next week if you didn’t need reminding is the Bert Gaby Cup semi-final. Where are you? Let’s be ‘aving you!
Clapham Rovers Clapham Rovers 5 - 2 Accrington Stanley Bowles ()