Whether Miles plays in midfield or defence, you can expect exactly the same; A tough, committed, unforgiving customer who tackles anything that moves and who (fairly) mows down opponents like an Uzi at Clay Pigeon Shooting. As far as I can gather his strength and stamina comes from cigarettes because I don't smoke and I don't have those two attributes in my locker. I'm glad to have him registered to Clapham Rovers for all these reasons and also because following the infamous 'Rob Fowler' incident, he evidently can't remember a ringer name when given to him. Now that he's fully registered, i'm glad that all he has to concentrate on is giving the opposition a hard time because he does that bloody well and they definitely don't like it up em,' Miles Birch style.
I would hate to play against Simon Birch. He's got electric pace, a fierce shot and a determination which means he hassles defenders like 'horndog' Andy Gray would hassle the guests and presenters of 'Loose Women.' It's a joy to watch him unleashed on defenders and give them the most uncomfortable match of their life. Whenever he plays he scores goals and is integral part of Clapham Rovers's future as we look to rise up the leagues. He's also available to give lifts to matches and makes sure some of our more wayward squad members make it to the match on time. As gaffer i'm extremely grateful for that and if I could give him a lift to matches I would, but only if I had a car fitting enough for this Rolls Royce amongst Robin Reliant Sunday morning footballers. Can anyone lend me a Veyron?
Sheva is a keeper who is apparently better at 5 a side than 11 a side. In that case, he must be a goalkeeping demi-god at 5 a side. His calmness under pressure, shot stopping ability and handling have benefitted Clapham Rovers' goal against column which was regularly under pressure from a certain Mr Kew clowning about in the nets on a far too regular basis. Another thespian, his involvement has raised rumours of a name change from Clapham Rovers A to Thespian FC amongst the fans. If this boy ever introduces me to Megan Fox, i'll definitely consider it.
Juan is another player who has found his way to Clapham Rovers via Dan 'The Hitman' Harley. As Juan hails from Ecuador, this could mean that Davis and Gibbs are opening a South American office or 'The Hitman' is a man of culture and enjoys spending is time with citizens of the world. With both these explanation seeming highly unlikely, we shall ignore the 'how' and the 'why' and simply state that Clapham Rovers A are absolutely delighted to have Juan Endara on board. He's a marauding and enterprising full back who loves to get forward, is tough in the tackle and has great passing ability. His debut goal for Clapham was direct from a corner so he also has a fearsome set picece in his armoury. With the days of Kwara Khara a distant memory at full back (a man who could barely kick a football,) I look forward to seeing Juan making more appearances for us as Rovers continue to flourish, down in no small part to his attacking flair.
Jordan Gaskell played his first game for Clapham Rovers A after being called up by Gaz 10 minutes before kick off. As he was in Clapham at the time and the game was in Barnes, his career for the club began on the 37th minute of the 1st half and he's been making up for lost time ever since. A pacy right winger or centre forward he has a canny knack of being in the right place at the right time to score vital goals. When Arsene Wenger was looking for a 'Fox in the Box' instead of blowing £8,000,000.00 on Francis 'Whatever happened to him' Jeffers he should have picked up the boy Gaskell. He also adds to our 'Inbetweeners' connection by naming the girl who plays 'Carly,' as a former girlfriend. All we need now is for someone to bum the bloke who plays 'Will' and we should have all bases covered.
According to Jim, G has the startling ability to run 'without lifting his feet off the floor.' I'm not sure how that is possible but ever since G has pulled on the jersey he has been absolute magic. He's a great organiser, a top communicator and does all the simple things absolutely spot on. He works with mobile phone antennas and is nothing less than than a MASTerly centre half. Both him and Jim have played together at centre back for a number of years. I haven't seen them play together there yet but when they do on a consistent basis, I don't think we'll concede a goal for 1,000 years - Which funnily enough happens to be their combined age.
Gaz crossed the Clapham Rovers path when playing for Carswell's work 5 a side team. Shocked that he hadn't been snapped up by another Sunday league outfit, I'm delighted to see him don the Clapham jersey on a regular basis. Is he? A) a tough tackling midfielder, B) a scheming, classy playmaker or C) a predatory striker. Answer, all 3. He's a manager's dream who can play all these forward positions and produce a full spectrum of performance. He's also a danger from set pieces and it was no surprise to see him score from a corner against a team from a higher division. Clapham Rovers are on the up and Gaz is leading the way.
Aidan made his debut in a mid-season friendly against 3rd Division side Lokomotiv Londres and immediately his quality stood out. Like a young Berbetov he hovers across the turf, linking up the play and finishing with devastating effect. He offers something different to the strikers already at the club and brings the average age of the squad down considerably to give it a more youthful edge. This lad is the future of Clapham Rovers A and shows that that future is extremely bright.
Nick Woodward has followed in the illustrious footsteps of players recruited by Dan 'The Hitman' Harley using his cunning ruse of interviewing them for a job at Davis and Gibbs. There was Jason, the 6 foot 2 man, who arrived wearing astro turf boots on a wet pitch, could control a ball further than most people can kick it and had to be substituted after 45 minutes before he embarrassed himself any further doing his bambi on ice impression. There was also a 5 foot 4, 21 year old who was a special little player but was sacked from Davis and Gibbs for consistently turning up late for work and who was never seen or heard of again. With Nick, Clapham Rovers are 3rd time lucky. Like Thomas Hitzlesperger, he uses his left foot to great effect, smashing in goals, free kicks and corners from all areas. If Thomas the Kraut is called 'Die Hammer,' then Mr Woodward must be called 'The Sledgehammer' such is the ferocity of his left boot. His dribbling leaves opponents like they've just seen a naked picture of Susan Boyle (running scared,) and his will to win is never in doubt. As Harry Redknapp would say, 'he's triffic.'