I would hate to play against Simon Birch. He's got electric pace, a fierce shot and a determination which means he hassles defenders like 'horndog' Andy Gray would hassle the guests and presenters of 'Loose Women.' It's a joy to watch him unleashed on defenders and give them the most uncomfortable match of their life. Whenever he plays he scores goals and is integral part of Clapham Rovers's future as we look to rise up the leagues. He's also available to give lifts to matches and makes sure some of our more wayward squad members make it to the match on time. As gaffer i'm extremely grateful for that and if I could give him a lift to matches I would, but only if I had a car fitting enough for this Rolls Royce amongst Robin Reliant Sunday morning footballers. Can anyone lend me a Veyron?